How To Torture Chris Traeger
by robert3A-SN
Summary: Thanks to Chris, Ben's mind has to indulge in intense mood swings and vengeful fantasies at the end of his trip with Leslie, in order to block out his more lovesick, frustrated thoughts. Massive spoilers for "Road Trip"


**Warning: Major spoilers for "Road Trip"- so only those who can figure out why I literally slapped my forehead at the end of the second act should read on. Let's just say Chris has never been luckier to be played by Rob Lowe, and his crazy dance moves.**

He couldn't believe it took him this long to figure it out. But the revelation was finally crystal clear- and was the only thing he could really bring himself to think right now.

Ben Wyatt needed to be committed. He needed to leave his dinner table, find the nearest Indianapolis mental health center, and lock himself into the nearest straight jacket.

Because no sane human being could have the kind of internal mood swing he had in the last two seconds. Maybe a somewhat sane human being could feel as giddy as he did when Leslie left to call Ann/go to the bathroom, after all but confessing her feelings to him. But no sane person could then experience such murderous rage a second later, when Chris Traeger showed his stupid smiling face.

And since Ben's face somehow looked as normal and as deadpan as ever through it all, it clued him in right there that he had snapped. Only a catastrophic lunatic could still look that sane, through two of the most vastly different seconds of all time.

If he managed to not crack when Leslie returned, that would be the final clincher of his madness. But maybe if Leslie actually cracked for real when she saw Chris, she could get herself committed with him. There couldn't be any dating policy in the loony bin, since they couldn't afford to make their patients crazier.

But of course, as she did on the road, Leslie just had to stay all professional and not give away anything. Of course, it wasn't like Ben didn't see right through her own disappointment right now, just like in the car. Yet Chris didn't notice anything different, as he went on and on about "The Dynamic Duo," so this was the one and only time when him being an oblivious boob was a good thing.

In other times, like when he said there was literally nothing Ben and Leslie couldn't do, it inspired quite a few murder fantasies in Ben.

And maybe that was what he'd need to live on for the rest of the night. He may be insane now, but he was still sane enough to choose what insane thoughts to indulge in. If he could spend enough time getting revenge on Chris in his mind, it would at least help get him through this dinner. Then he could indulge in the other, more peaceful, more dying-to-kiss Leslie side, once they got back on the road to Pawnee.

Yet when Chris pretty much forced them to stay in his condo, he knew that the murder side would be in control for the next 12 hours straight. If not the rest of his natural life, as Chris seemed determined to make happen at this rate.

For the rest of the car ride, Ben had some pretty good torture devices planned out for Chris. He had gotten pretty far on a machine that would actually put microchips in his skin, and balloon him up to 400 pounds. Hell, putting Pawnee to work on building such a machine would ensure it would never go bankrupt again.

He was all the way up to imagining Chris up to 450 pounds, when he and Leslie were left back alone in the condo. For a minute, he almost forgot to look at her, since he was having too much joy in dreaming up the great headlines and editorials for the machine.

But with one look, and one glance at how reluctant she was to merely sit there with him, Ben's spit personality disorder caused its latest seismic shift of the night.

How the hell did this day and night, of all days and night, have to end with fattening Chris up in his mind? Actually, the morning part of the day was kind of iffy, with Leslie's anti sexual-tension soundtrack- and that one Al Green song that a certain nurse had to have slipped in. But once Leslie halted all conversation after that, it was the most awkward hour in a string of recent awkward hours between then. The mere fact that Leslie Knope stayed quiet for so long was remarkable enough….and just wrong on so many levels.

Yet it wasn't all bad, since the silence allowed him to come up with the greatest speech/love confession/Little League hosting pitch of all time. And then came the dinner, and Leslie's admittance that he wasn't the only one who felt this way, and that brief hope that he wouldn't have to ever say "Pawnee" in place of "Leslie" ever again.

Maybe if he acted fast, he could start before Chris was finished peeing.

But of course, he couldn't. And then the minute Leslie left, Ben's less romantic thoughts reared their ugly, but necessary, head again.

For the first hour that he tossed and turned on Chris's couch, he had finally come up with a backup plan, after the fattening-up machine finally broke under Chris's weight. This time, he pictured him drowning in quicksand, unable to actually run for once in his life. Even if he didn't drown, the inability to run and jog 15 miles would force him to strangle himself before long, so he was dead either way.

By the next hour, he was on a roll in getting him paralyzed, ridden with one of those 20-year flu's, and replacing all of his pills with Ron's burgers in pill form. It was becoming quite fun- or at least more fun than Leslie's ways to push aside sexual tension.

Yet the trouble with being on such a roll with torture fantasies, is that all the good ideas are used up early. And once the good ideas are out, it gets more frustrating to think of better ones, and then it becomes necessary to take a break. And once that break starts, it gets easier to think about other things…..more calming, happy, smiling, blonde, beautiful things that were one second away from kissing him.

At that point, Ben realized his Chris-torturing industry needed some outside help to get back on track. And he had better get it now, before he remembered how Pawnee needed outside help to save itself a year ago, and how that turned out- but was now hopelessly stalled- for everyone.

Luckily, Ben remembered how a new addition to his phone contact list could be the perfect help. After making sure he didn't hear any footsteps, and remembering that Chris's pre-sleep jog around his bed ended 20 minutes ago, he made the call as quietly as he could.

"Hello?"

"Ann, its Ben, Benjamin Wyatt. I need fantasies on how to torture Chris, and I need them right away," Ben whispered.

"What, Ben? What's going on, where's Leslie?" Unfortunately, Ben could hear Ann gasp in an ominously girly, happy tone. "Did you….is she….oh, my God, she did it after all! I'm so happy for you guys…but I'm surprised she didn't already call me with the details herself. But I guessed you kissed them out of her, didn't you Benji?"

This had gone from fool proof idea to the night's greatest disaster yet in a real hurry.

"Ann, please!" Ben figured it wasn't a good sign that he almost stopped whispering, so he tried to get right to the point. "You must have had good fantasies about destroying Chris when he broke up with you. I need your five best ones now….no, make that your 10 best, cause I still have to drive back with him in the morning. And please don't say anything about a fattening up machine, because it gave out when he reached 500 pounds!"

"Okay…. you just topped 95% of Leslie's crazy early morning rants, and on your first try out. She must be rubbing off on you already." Leslie must be rubbing….okay, Ann was officially the worst help ever. "Why in God's name are you still talking about Chris, after you finally kissed-"

Ben was almost thankful that he heard Chris jogging to the bathroom for the 4'th time that night. At least it gave him an excuse to hang up the phone, and not have to hear anything about kissing first. Of course, Ann would probably call Leslie later in the morning, and make him look like a lunatic. But at least she wouldn't be lying to Leslie.

Either way, Ann couldn't bail out the Chris-fantasy industry, and if he called April or Ron for their expertise, he would get castrated at both home and work when he got back. For a brief moment, it almost sounded like a sure fire way out- so that was the biggest clue that he needed to fall asleep and stop thinking.

By some miracle, Ben got three hours of sleep before he sadly had to wake up, and start the whole process all over again. By now, the fact that he was temporarily lifted up by seeing Leslie walk down the stairs, only to see Chris jog down past her, wasn't a shock anymore. All it did was make Ben more upset that he used all his anti-jogging ideas hours ago.

Once they got on the road, and once Chris kept going on and on in the back seat, it showed once again how Ben's lack of a good fantasy was a problem. Because if Chris kept going on, as oblivious as ever to the misery he spread, it might warrant turning a few old fantasies into reality.

But when he looked down and remembered that Leslie's tension-killing CD was still in his radio, he turned it on, hoping it would serve as temporary torture. Yet even that wasn't in the cards, as Chris was actually managing to jam out to loud banjo music.

However, that did inspire an hour of good fantasies about some other…..unique uses for banjos. Still, that only took him halfway through the trip back- and by the time they actually got back, he couldn't remember how he got through the rest of it.

Yet there Ben was back in his office the next day, still standing, and still impersonating a sane person. When he got back to Pawnee yesterday, he hit upon the idea of going blank for the rest of the day- which included a quick goodbye handshake with Leslie, and ignoring Andy and April when he got home. Since they were talking about some kind of recent makeup sex from yesterday, it gave Ben extra incentive to forget they existed for a while.

But sleepwalking through today's work day wasn't an option, so it seemed his two split personalities would have to take a breather. Maybe his first dominant personality, of boring old work Ben, could step in for a while and break them up. After all, Leslie couldn't have killed boring old work Ben that thoroughly.

Yet it just took hearing Leslie's name in his head to remember what a lie that was. And thus, the war between loving Leslie thoughts, and less loving Chris thoughts, began in his head again.

However, Ben felt a bit too worn out to resume the war at full force right now. Besides, the best torture fantasies had been replayed too much to work well now, and the worst ones would just make his mind wander again. Chris wasn't even in his office right now, so he couldn't use his face to get inspired again for a while.

It was just getting too tiring to think of Chris, whether he was alive or dead, fat or paralyzed, or in his office or not. None of those fantasies would ever come true anyway, just like all the other ones in his poor brain. At this point, the good fantasies were becoming as unrealistic and unlikely as the bad ones, which was the only thing they had in common.

Things were so much easier in the early days of Ben's fantasies. The only part Chris played in them was in that one in his office, where he…..

Where they were both in his office…..his office that was now empty in real life.

And for the first time since the second before Chris arrived at dinner, Ben was ready to act on an impulse. It wouldn't be as good as the one where he would kiss Leslie, but it was going to have to do. He needed to at least re-enact one part of one fantasy today, and hope that Chris wouldn't be back before he got done.

If the universe was merciful, it would keep Chris busy for that long, after it lost such track of him lately.

Ben went into Chris's office, and saw that it was indeed empty. He closed the door, then checked all of the places where Chris could be exercising, even under the desks. When even the bathroom was clear, he felt a little safe to begin.

He still kept looking at the door every few seconds, and gave Chris and the universe one more chance to screw him again before he started. But if they were gonna do it, they would probably wait until he was started anyway. So he should get as much done as possible now.

With that, Ben recalled every detail of this particular fantasy he was reenacting. Chris wasn't sitting in his office, but Ben could picture him there quickly- even though his face wasn't bloated in his vision. Once Ben had imaginary Chris square in his sights, he began the speech that he had imagined giving to him in his head, ever since that first meal with Leslie at the wallflower mural.

He didn't care that he was really talking to himself- he just needed one sane vision of his to slightly come true, without him getting fired or committed for it.

"Chris, I need to tell you something, and you're not going to like it. Someone has violated your office-dating policy, and it's Leslie Knope. I know that because….because I helped her do it. We're together now, and I don't care what you do to me for it. But if you suspend or fire Leslie, I will dedicate what's left of my career to ruining what's left of yours, at least in this town. I'll accuse you of being in league with Eagleton, I'll make your library card a front page scandal, and you don't want to know what else I came up with lately! If you don't want to know, you will leave Leslie alone, or her boyfriend will literally make you rue the day you didn't! Because I'm her boyfriend, and because I love her! So….so there!"

When he was done yelling at an office chair, Ben exhaled the biggest breath of his life. And in that moment, he realized he wasn't exhaling just because that speech was so long.

He was exhaling because of how he ended that speech.

Because for the first time ever, he said that he outright loved Leslie out loud, instead of repeating it over and over in his head. He didn't say it to her, or any real versions of Chris…..but it left his lips all the same. It took him aback so much that he had to say it again.

"That's right, Chris….I love Leslie Knope."

He came up with so many different ways to say it to her in Indianapolis. He used so many metaphors that it actually seemed to work by the end. He hinted to her that he loved "Pawnee", and her glances, and brief admission of sorts, finally told him that she understood- and felt the same.

"I love Leslie Knope….and I think she let me know that she loves me."

And with that, the deranged Chris fantasy industry was finally closed.

He didn't really want to kill Chris or ruin his figure. In fact, he still had some goodwill left from when he was his only friend, and the only one who saved him from those angry towns- albeit after making him the one that slashed their budgets and livelihoods. The man wasn't a super villain that needed to balloon up or get knocked unconscious by banjos. He was just an ignorant, but dedicated public servant that had no idea what he was really doing.

And no matter what he had done at the end, he didn't erase what had happened before hand. He didn't erase that Leslie had finally shown- or was about to show- that she felt as strongly about Ben as he did for her. After hints, glances, and hung over conformations from Ann, he had finally gotten that much from Leslie herself.

And when Leslie Knope loved you, and you loved her, what need was there to overshadow it with your more deranged fantasies? Reenacting a much better fantasy had shown him that…..and the part of his brain that made up fantasies like that was the one he wanted to rule from now on.

He certainly came up with the best ones yet during dinner, until Chris came by. But although they were once again denied from acting on them, they were closer than ever before. Couldn't that be a sign that they were that much closer to reality, and Chris couldn't bumble his way through them forever?

If it wasn't, he didn't care anymore. He put himself out there in Indy, he got most of the answer he wanted, and he was sick and tired of letting anything put a damper on it. He was sick and tired of just living in fantasy, whether it was a good or bad fantasy land- and he was too close to leaving fantasy land to back away now.

Therefore, instead of just starting at the empty chair he had yelled at, Ben moved next to the chair and went through Chris's schedule. He confirmed that he wouldn't be back for another 15 minutes, and his route took him a good distance away from the parks department. If he hurried, and found a plausible excuse to run into Leslie, a good part of his brand new fantasies could come true with the right luck.

But once he got out of Chris's office, he took a few moments to stand near his, as he thought out his next speech for Leslie. Crafting one where he didn't substitute her name for Pawnee was a bit harder, so he had to be as thorough as he could.

Yet when Leslie came up to him in that next moment, and Ben informed her that Chris wasn't around, every dream and imaginary thought in his brain from the last 24 hours vanished. In fact, every vision of his from the last several months had been erased.

All except the one original fantasy he had since his first few days in Pawnee. And it wasn't waiting to move into reality for one more second.

And when he closed the gap between them, and Leslie proved that her fantasy kisses had nothing on the real thing…..Ben no longer cared if Chris Traeger wound up living forever with rock hard abs after all.

**Happy anniversary to Leslie and Ben, whose first episode together aired on May 13, 2010- 364 days before the first kiss that we're all savoring today. But I already addressed their anniversary in my fic "The Do-Overs" days ago…..end of shameless plug.**


End file.
